The Most Annoying Bird in the World

Most mornings, I wake to a faint few distant chirps, growing in volume and proximity until finally crescendoing into a melodious, majestic bird chorus allegro. The past couple days, however, this hasn't been the case. The past couple days, a new player has been added to the company. I've named her Beyonce, and she is the most annoying bird in the world.

Like Beyonce, she compensates for her boring voice by just singing really, really loudly and quivering her notes. (I don't know the technical term for this, but you know what I'm talking about. It's the way the token fat lady from the small Baptist church sings during the offering, the way her voice starts to quiver during the chorus and final notes so everyone knows how much she loves the Lord.)

Anyway, the bird song should sound like this:

Ba Ta Ta, Ta Ta Ta.

Instead, Beyonce sings this:

BA TA TAaaAAaaaaAa, TA TA TaaAAAAAaaaAAAA

The most annoying bird in the world. And she does it right outside my window. Last night was my birthday and I went to sleep, drunk. So I needed every precious second of sleep before work this morning. Sure enough, first thing, the cacophony begins. I ignore it, roll over, try not to think about it. Impossible. I glance at the clock - 4:30 a.m. Un-frickin'-believable.

I eventually fell back asleep but at 6:00, a full hour before my alarm will go off, Beyonce reached a climax and jarred me out of a dream about dinosaurs. Bitch. I laid there for a while, but couldn't go back to sleep. I decide to go find Beyonce and throw an empty beer can at her, hoping that would make her go away. Or at least stop singing for a while so I can go back to sleep. So, I go over to the window with my beer can, roll up the drapes, and open it. Of course, as soon as the window is up, she stops squawking. I spent a few minutes scanning the yard and trees, but eventually gave up.

Five minutes later, BA TA TAaaaAAaaaaA.

I can not live like this. I CAN NOT live like this. This little bird has the ability to ruin my life, and that really bothers me.