Birthday Inspiration

Turning 29 causes one to reflect on mortality and the futility of existence. That is, until you see something really awesome that makes you forget that shit.

This morning: I'm depressed and old and hungover from life.

Now: I love life so much that I'm walking around with a hard-on.

Here's what happened: I was walking to my car and I see a squirrel, just chilling on a tree. There's a retaining wall about 7 feet away from the tree, and another squirrel is sitting on it. So far, a normal boring day.

But then, the squirrel on the wall jumps - leaps - 7 feet and LANDS on top of the squirrel on the tree and promptly starts humping her. That's right: flying surprise butt sex. It was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen.

What an inspiration! If this squirrel, whom I imagine is 29 years old, has such a voracious appetite for life that he can defy gravity and the laws of nature in pursuit of... whatever... then why can't I?!

Watch out, life. I'm jumping.

Fevered Genius

The title of this blog comes from the dumbest, most ignorant, asinine thing I've ever written. I'm quite proud.

Last week, I was really sick. Had a 101 degree fever. So, after taking double the doctor's recommended amount of codeine cough syrup - a couple of times - I passed out, very happy.

At some point in the middle of the night, I was struck with a flash of genius. Apparently, I thought the following was so important that my dumbass actually got out of bed (I never do that!), went to the computer, and wrote:

"I'd really like a blood and vodka."
"Wha'chu talkin' bout, Willis?
"Blood and vodka."
"Why you talkin' bout blood and vodka, Willis?"
"Because that's what bananas drink. And what am I?"
"A banana."
"A banana."

What an introduction. Welcome to my blog.